Nimisha wrote a fantastic blog in December about the power of resilience in grief. In this blog, she reflects on 2020, and what grieving during lockdown was like.
2020. Well, it was a slight shitstorm to be frank… I think it’s safe to say that for all of us, last year was a crazy one. Since March, we have been plunged head-first into a world of lockdowns, masks and social distancing. ‘Normal’ life as we knew it seems to have changed for the foreseeable future.
For me personally, life in lockdown has been an incredibly daunting and humbling experience. Amidst the backdrop of global catastrophe, I lost two precious lives within a week of one another. You literally can’t make this up and every time, it serves as a reminder – showing me the full glory of life, its tremendous beauty and sadness.
It really doesn’t help trying to deal with grief in the middle of a pandemic. Grief is messy at the best of times but navigating your way through a tsunami of emotions during a lockdown just makes it more complex. At a time when you can’t go and physically meet friends and family just to pour your heart out; or the freedom to go somewhere just so you can see someplace different other than the four walls of lockdown, it really puts things into perspective.
Let me share what I’ve learnt during lockdown…
I’ve always liked a plan and knowing which direction my life was moving in. It gives me a sense of control in the otherwise chaotic nature of life. This year has come down in a crash, reminding me that life may have other plans in store. I couldn’t have predicted that we would be caught up in the middle of a global pandemic, just how I couldn’t control Dad’s illness or the life that had been growing inside of me. It took me a while to accept these things but as soon as I did, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, pushing me forward so I can get on with re-making my life.
Being able to say that I’m grateful for this year is quite something. Despite my two personal tragedies, I am grateful for love. Having spent lockdown at home with my husband, we have helped navigate each other through every predicament. We’ve laughed, cried and survived together. I’m grateful for the love and support around me, my incredible mother, sister and father in spirit, magnified against the smaller, more isolating moments of lockdown.
Lockdown or no lockdown, I have come to realise that I need to keep showing up for myself. By that, I mean realising I have what it takes inside of me to push myself forward, so that even if we are plunged into yet another unknown, it may faze me but only for a moment. The other moments I’ll spend processing, feeling my feelings and understanding what I need to do next. I know that it’s OK to cry, to grieve and to reminisce but that it’s also OK to laugh, to look ahead and to move on knowing this year hasn’t got the better of me.
And with that in mind, thank you for the lessons 2020.
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