Abbie is a long standing supporter of Let’s Talk About Loss and works as a Peer Support Manager for a youth charity and as a Support Group Facilitator. Bereaved by suicide as a teen, she reflects on her grief journey on her mum’s birthday, with the current trend of meeting her younger self for a hot Ribena!

I met my 14 year old self for a hot Ribena and a dark chocolate McVities digestive, or 3.

Younger self (YS) upon seeing me walk in: You mean to say, we make it?

Current self (CS) smiling and taking a seat: We don’t just make it, we have a beautiful, messy, imperfect life, with the things we dreamt about.

YS, puzzled, teary, in disbelief: But our whole world fell apart in one day! How can we live without her? She was our EVERYTHING!

CS: Yes, she meant and means so much to us. Even now. She left a legacy of love like no other. We miss her sorely, but how we miss her changes.

YS: Wait, you’re not gonna give me that ‘time is a healer line’ are you or I’ll get out and leave right now…

CS: We still have our humour! Look, you’re in the thick of it, and you go through the thick of it in different stages at different ages.

We tried to look for her in everyone and everywhere and the harsh reality sinks in that she isn’t here in full existence anymore and that no one will ever replace her, they’re not meant to.

BUT, we do have people who love us, so so much, who want to be there in different ways. They show up. How they can. We pull together, how we can. It’s not the same, but it helps.

YS: What about the people sharing how we need to move on and get over it? The past in the past and all that.

CS: Argh they’re annoying aren’t they. You were so young. Fancy saying that to a freshly grieving teen. They still tell us now lol but it has been over 20 years… BUT we know we’re allowed to still have times of sadness, remember them, be angry. Any emotion is valid. Wish someone had told you that.

YS: You sound very kind to yourself…

CS: I try. I’m not always, but I try. We were hard on ourselves for years and still can be. Expecting ourselves to move on and get over it when the person we loved one of the most in the world had died. That’s a lot isn’t it?

YS: That’s the thing. I just don’t know how

I’ll get to where you are? It’s all such a mess. Even the family are worried. What if I end up like that? I am a lot like her.

CS: Firstly, don’t get too excited, I haven’t got it all figured out. I don’t think anyone has and ever does but, as you can see. We don’t end up like that. We go through periods of wanting to be with her so hard and that’s when we need to lean it to it and try and give ourselves a break or when we let our friends and family in to be there for us. Do things that remind us of her. Look at photos. Go to where she used to go. Celebrate her. Wear something of hers.

YS: You sound so…. positive?

CS: Again, not always. We still have our ups and downs. We still have our darker periods. Just like everyone else. It still scares us though because yes, we are a lot like her, but we’re also different. Which is healthy!

YS: So what does help? ‘Cause right now I feel like no one understands me. The family are going through their own pain with it all. I don’t want to stress them out even more.

CS: …and this is why I work in the space I do. Because you should never have had to carry such worry. We work in peer support, for young people’s mental health, helping them feel less alone.

In terms of what helps, your friends are amazing. They provide distraction. Love. Fun. Joy.

YS: Joy?!

CS: Yes, joy. You will feel joy again. Friends help with that and you meet new ones too and into parenthood and…

YS: Parenthood?! That’s what I always dreamed of.

CS: I know! And you have 2 beautiful little boys & they truly are incredible!

YS: 2!?

CS: Yes, you are exhausted 😂 but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

YS: Without mum there, she would have loved to be a grandma.

CS: & she would have been the best! But again, they don’t replace her but we do have some other wonder women around us who love the boys so much & we’re lucky we have an incredible mother in law too.

YS: Wow.

CS: Yes, wow. But grief does show up in motherhood I’m afraid. Sometimes amplified. It doesn’t just go away. We learn to hold its hand a bit and try and work out what it’s trying to say to us. Maybe telling us what we need. You know, when we’re not drowning in it.

YS: Okay you’ve gone all negative again.

CS: Yea or humour? But that’s the thing. It’s not linear. It’s not easy. So I’m not going to pretend. You lost both your grandmas (sorry) in the first year of your second born’s life

YS: (mouth drop)

CS: BUT their love carries you through. I know it’s hippy dippy but that’s where we are these days. Spiritual. Their love taught us so much and is instilled in our family values. They both got to meet the boys and they are so proud of you. All of them. You have photos you have memories. They are still in some way with you.

YS: (welling up)

CS: I know it’s hard. But fast forward years of friendship, love, family, adventure, new memories, therapy, a lot of therapy… peer support, our absolute favourite, the empathy and community of those who have been through it providing comfort, your incredible husband, 2 boys and wider support network. Humour… it’s worth it hanging in there.

It is hard. There will always be hard. It’s ok when it’s sad. It’s ok when it’s tough. You can do it. I promise you.

YS & CS teary hug

CS: We get through this, together. She’s not forgotten. Never. She’s always there in some way, just like you like her to be. It’s hard, but it softens.

YS: Thank you ❤️

CS: I love you, always.

Abbie Mitchell

If you would like to join one of Let’s Talk About Loss’ peer support groups and meet other young grievers who understand and want to talk about grief, we would love to welcome you. Find your local meet up here.