Helena lost her daughter Maila in 2022. She set up Maila’s Present, which creates personalised storybooks where the baby that has died is the main character. Here, she shares her story of grief.
It always bothered me that a person can live a full life and when it comes to death they are often reduced to words that lack depth and fail to capture a documentary of their existence.
This is even more true when it comes to a baby who passed away in the womb. A baby the world never got to experience on the outside, but a baby that existed nonetheless.
After losing my daughter at 36 weeks and 5 days, my battle was proving that my daughter was human too and deserving of remembrance.
For the past two years since losing my love, I have learnt to make it a point to share her story not only with the trauma and tragedy of her arrival, but firstly with the love because love is how she came in the first place.
I am always grateful for the opportunity to share the short life of my beautiful first born baby girl, Maila Angela Viana Morais.
Maila
Maila was named two years before her conception, her Dad was inspired by its proximity to Marley from Bob Marley. Maila’s middle name is after her Godmother and coincidentally sounding like Maya Angelou, a favourite author of mine who I was keen to share with her.
I found out I was pregnant on the 12th May 2022 at my local Asda. It was a very sunny day and I remember feeling as bright as the sun when I found out. Filled with hope, wonder and with a slight doom of financial responsibilities. Nonetheless, I was excited for this new adventure.
I describe Maila by the foods I craved, she loved to eat feta cheese, crumpets and marmite. Our favourite song was ‘Sing to Me’ by Jhene Aiko she’d always move a lot when I sang to her. I know she would have fit in so perfectly with our family, we are all very loud and no day goes by without music and dancing.
We got to travel a lot in our time together, we went to Paris for my work conference, visited Maila’s great grandparents in Portugal and spent a few days in Seville, Spain. I like to think my baby girl would have been well cultured and traveled, it was a privilege to show her the world through me.
I miss her everyday.
Our pregnancy together was beautiful even up to the day I went into labour unknowing of what loomed ahead. 29th of December 2022, was the day I went into hospital excited to meet my baby girl.
“I am sorry your baby didn’t make it”
It wasn’t until we were seen that everything changed, as the midwife searched for Maila’s heart she began to fidget. Between my contractions and my surroundings I didn’t truly notice, even when she said “I can only seem to hear your heartbeat, but let me call the doctors”. Around five doctors arrived, we were wheeled into the labour ward, and it was there where I asked “where is my baby” and the response was “I am sorry your baby didn’t make it”.
These words froze my entire heart, body and soul. I became so numb. It felt like I went that day too.
Maila was beautiful, she looked just like her dad, had a head full of hair like her mummy and was super long, she would have been as tall as her dad.
Babies don’t replace babies
What happened to Maila didn’t have to happen. I had preeclampsia which should have been noted when protein showed in my urine at 10 weeks. It still boggles my mind that aspirin could have saved her.
Today I dedicate myself to being a baby loss advocate, the aftercare of grieving parents is at the forefront of everything I do. Our lifelong pain is often belittled, with expiration periods for our grief and we are often dismissed with “at leasts”, or encouraged to move on and have other children, but babies don’t replace babies.
As a black woman, I have always known that the statistics for baby loss and maternal mortality in my demographic were between 4 /5 times more likely, but I never thought it would be me too.
Maila’s Present
I have since started Maila’s Present creating personalised storybooks for babies gone too soon as main characters. These stories allow babies to live on in fairy tale worlds while acknowledging their passing. With over 80 characters to choose from, representation is extremely important, especially as black and asian communities make up the higher number affected by baby loss yet this is not reflected in literature.
These books were a result of my auntie not knowing what to say and therefore not saying anything at all. They make a great gift to show our babies matter and are thought of even if people struggle to find the words.
I am also the co-host of a podcast titled Remember Me – The Stories of Our Babies, where we talk all about the memories of moments we spent with our babies in the womb and ask parents questions no one ever asks after babies dies.
Helena Morais, Maila’s Mum
Find out more about Maila’s Present here
Join a Let’s Talk About Loss meet up to find other young grievers who understand
