It’s 2026. You made it.

If you subscribe to the idea of the New Year being a “turning of a new leaf,” maybe you’ll set some resolutions and goals for the year. If you’re anything like me, however, you’re instead celebrating the passing of the torch from one date book (yes, I use a paper calendar) to a new one. You’re marking down birthdays and anniversaries in red ink so you don’t forget. Maybe you’re adding events or activities to look forward to with embellishments or highlighters. But, most importantly, you’re continuing your New Year’s tradition of blocking off death anniversaries and holidays so you don’t book yourself busy those days.

It may be a new year but where I am in the world, it is cold, dark, and honestly not that motivating of a time of year. Every January–every winter in general, really–I can’t help but feel a little extra griefy, a little bit reflective. So, please accept this personal New Year’s reflection on grief, by the same ol’ griever.

Accepting Grief

Here are some of my truths:
● I am a professional grief support services provider.
● I was driven to do grief work following the sudden loss of my father.
● Having a dead dad is nearly my entire personality (IYKYK).
● The death of my parent completely flipped my world on its head.
● And, also, I had experienced losses before him and have experienced losses since him.

Understanding that my grief wasn’t limited to the experience of my father dying allowed me to open up my way of thinking to accept grief in all of its forms.

I have experienced many death and non-death losses and grief-causing events throughout my life. It wasn’t until I understood the pain of losing my dad that I was able to see the similarity, feel the familiarity of these experiences (and feelings!) to his death. It wasn’t until I committed to grief work personally that I was able to become comfortable with the idea of a life in grief.

The most important thing that we as grievers and the people that love them need to remember is…

Grief is Forever.

I know, I know. It sounds dreary. It sounds painful. It sounds… like it sucks. It does sometimes! But that is what makes it true.

Stay with me here.

Grief doesn’t end. If it did, so would our feelings about our life’s losses and grief-causing events. But those linger, don’t they? The good and the “bad” feelings— they still exist.

If your loved one died, it does not mean your love for them did. If you’re 10 years out from a death, it doesn’t mean their favorite food doesn’t make you still think of them. If you’re dealing with grief from a disabling event, it’s not like the frustration goes away the second a “better” symptom day occurs.

Here are some good and “bad” feelings I have personally experienced as a lifelong griever.
● I am more confident now in myself than ever because I have survived some of the hardest things that I could personally imagine.
● I sometimes get really annoyed when people don’t show up in the way they promised they would (for me or for the folx I love).
● I get excited to share my loved ones’ favorite foods with my friends.
● I’m jealous of every person who got more time with my deceased loved ones.
● I sometimes feel isolated or lonely, even when surrounded by people I love.
● I feel thankful to know the steps of “death admin” (the administrative stuff that needs to be done following the death of a person) so that I can help my friends and family when they face their own losses.
● I am proud to know my grief so intimately and work with others to help them get there, too.

It’s absolutely true that our feelings surrounding a loss or grief-causing event may/will change. They will feel less intense, burdensome, or painful over time but that doesn’t mean the grief isn’t still there. It shows itself in a plethora of ways, many of which can be really quite beautiful. Grief ebbs and flows, rising and falling with the emotions and events of everyday life. It is sometimes at a boil, sometimes at a simmer, sometimes ice cold. Some days we feel it and some days we don’t. It is accepting that it is there, forever a part of us, that will help us find balance in the feelings.

However your grief shows itself to you this year is something to listen to and do your best to understand. If you don’t know how or can’t get there yet, that’s okay. Just know that you’re not broken or something to fix. Your resolutions should not be focused on “getting over” your grief. Your grief is a part of you and it is valuable. If you need to give it a little more time than usual, that’s okay. If you’re feeling Totally Fine™️ entering the New Year, that is also okay. There are no expectations in grief. Just feel and breathe.

Here’s to a year of comfort and connection. You’re not alone in this grief

Nicole Kerekes

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