Tania Alexis shares her experience of navigating Valentine’s Day following the loss of her wife, Charlotte.

I’m not going to tell you that Valentine’s Day is “just another day” because it’s not. For those of us who have experienced partner loss, it’s a painful reminder of what we wish we could be doing and a harsh reality check of what we are doing instead. It sucks! And yes, it’s ok to recognise that sometimes. 

Losing Charlotte

At the end of February 2024, my beautiful wife, Charlotte, passed away unexpectedly. We had been married just five months and my first (and last) Valentine’s card addressed to “my wife” still stood on the fireplace. It’s crazy how all it takes is one second for your world to shatter into the before and after. How you’re left trying to pick up the pieces of something that can never be fixed. 

Every event since losing Charlotte has involved massive amounts of anticipatory anxiety and a heavy heart on the day. However, Valentine’s Day stings that little bit more when you’ve lost the love of your life. The person that you are expected to and long to celebrate with is no longer here. Instead, you are left communicating with the silent hum of the house, desperately trying to recall what it sounded like the last time the two of you were there. But you can’t escape the silence, especially on Valentine’s Day. 

Being left alone with grief

The difference between this occasion and others for example, Christmas and birthdays, is that Valentine’s Day tends to be more of a private affair. It’s celebrated between couples at fancy meals, cinema dates or maybe even a takeaway on the sofa. Therefore, the people that you would usually surround yourself with are most likely out with their loved one; consequently, leaving you alone in with your grief. It’s an incredibly isolating experience made even more lonely by the fact that you are actually alone. 

“So how am I going to get through it?” I hear you ask. Personally, I prefer to not have the pressure of a set itinerary and go with what feels right on the day. Sometimes I feel able to visit the cemetery, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I want to write Charlotte a card, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I want to stay at home, sometimes I don’t. Therefore, I try and remove any judgements based on what I “should” be doing and apply things that I could do based on how I’m feeling. Remember that capacity is not a reflection of ability and does not make your love for them any less. Usually, grieving people know what works for them and so I encourage you to do exactly that. Don’t let your own or anyone else’s judgements make the day any harder than it already is. 

Mending cracks with gold

This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to try and remind myself that love isn’t just something you give to others, it’s something you give to yourself. I’m going to try and show myself compassion, care and love in the same way that Charlotte would have done. Yes, those shattered pieces that I spoke of earlier will still be there. Although they can never be fixed, I’ve started to hold them together and accept that the cracks will still be visible. 

I recently learned of the Japanese technique coined Kintsugi; the art of repairing broken pottery by mending the cracks with gold. The technique considers breakage as part of the object’s story, not something to hide but instead to be held back together in a strong and beautiful way. Whilst I will forever be shattered by the loss of Charlotte, I like to think that as I slowly pick myself back up, that our love can be the gold that holds me back together again.

Showing yourself love

Charlotte will always be the most beautiful chapter of my story. She taught me how to listen, laugh, and most importantly, love. Now it’s up to me to continue to the rest of the chapters whilst being guided by her influence. 

However you are spending this Valentine’s Day, I hope that you are able to show yourself love in the way that you deserve, and the way that your partner would have wanted. I’m sending lots of love to anyone struggling this year and a reminder that even though it’s not “just a day”, it is a day and it will pass. 

Tania Alexis 

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