Alice shares how the loss of her mum led her to acknowledge parts of her identity that she’d always known were there.
When I lost my mum unexpectedly at 21, I was most definitely not prepared for how much I would change as a person. On a random day in July 2023, I received the call that changed everything. My beautiful, happy, healthy mum was gone. Just like that. Gone.
Losing someone so significant in my life before I had fully grown into the adult version of myself was completely life altering. Within three months I had gone from having a new job, a new apartment in a new city, a healthy relationship and a newfound confidence in myself to being back in my childhood bedroom, back at my first job, single and mentally feeling weaker than ever.
Life’s Too Short
The result of such a pivotal chapter was the deep realisation that my life and everything and everyone around me was temporary. It feels like a cliché to say ‘life’s too short’ but it really is true; grief made my life feel urgent, that if I wasn’t living the way I wanted to live then what was the point in it all.
A significant part of that urgency was allowing myself to acknowledge parts of my identity that I had always known were there. Grief didn’t cause my queerness – despite all my relationships being with men, I had always known that some part of me felt an attraction towards women – but grief broke down the illusion that I had unlimited time to figure it out.
Acknowledging my Sexuality
For too long I had confused being loved with being diminished, but grief forced me to reckon with how much of myself I had hidden. I think that in this way grief and queerness intertwine because both ask you to confront your truth.
Even then, acknowledging my sexuality was not some instantaneous, liberating experience.It was uncomfortable to realise how much of myself I had suppressed, and painful to come to terms with the fact that the person whose absence shaped this new version of me would never have the chance to witness the life that would follow.
Authentic Love
By the time I met my girlfriend Hannah, I knew that I didn’t want a performative relationship built on only parts of myself and I was finally able to experience love that didn’t require me to make myself smaller in order to be chosen. To be truly seen by another person is impossible when you’re hiding from yourself and in many ways, grief prepared me for this love by forcing me to confront the unpredictability of life.
Despite the peace in the authentic love I now experience, there is also a lot of pain, not only in mourning the relationship between my mum and Hannah but also in the ache that my mum never got to know this version of my life and the future she will never get to witness.
I am so grateful to know that my mum would have celebrated the woman that I have become, I just wish she’d had the chance to be a part of it.
Alice Gibson
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