Carly Nicklin shares her experience of coming out to the rest of her family following the loss of her Mam.
My intention was always to come out to Mam first. She was the person I never doubted would support me and embrace me. However, I never got the chance. Since she passed away, I’ve always wondered how the conversation would have actually gone between us.
I realised I was queer around 6 months before losing Mam. There was something in me that really wanted to come out to her face to face, but as I was living away on my university placement year, I rarely visited home.
Finding the Right Time
The first time I saw her was Christmas- I didn’t want to ruin Christmas. The second time I saw her was when she was in hospital -not knowing she was going to die a few months later – I didn’t think it was an appropriate time. The third time I saw her, I knew there was a chance she might die in the coming days, and I debated telling her, but I ultimately decided it wasn’t the right time – again.
She was always so accepting of the students in her school who were LGBTQIA+ and was always open to me teaching her new vocabulary. She knew she didn’t always get it right, but she always wanted to. Her favourite music artist was David Bowie. I’d subtly indicated I may never want kids and there was never any pressure from her. Mam was who I felt most confident to come out to and I knew once I had, I would have her backing me up when it came to coming out to the rest of my family.
Coming out to Dad
I was really nervous to come out to my Dad but decided I wanted to during Pride Month, a couple of months after Mam had passed. Unlike my insistence on coming out to Mam face to face, I only had the courage to write a letter to my Dad – I even pre-empted any questions he may have and told him I didn’t want to actively acknowledge the letter. I just wanted him to know.
Sometimes I wonder if I’d just written it all down earlier, then I would have been able to come out to Mam too. I didn’t need to be nervous though – my Dad fully embraced me and sent a lovely long message to me after he received the letter to reassure me that he still loves me and nothing will ever change between us.
Feeling Seen and Heard
Over the years ever since, he has learned so much more about asexuality and been open to having conversations with me about being bi and ace. I’m now so comfortable naturally bringing up my queer experiences with him. I’ll always remember how my Dad posted to me a newspaper clipping of an article written by Yasmin Benoit, discussing the negative experiences asexuals can face. It was his way of showing he was listening to me and it meant so much to me.
If my Dad reacted this way, it affirmed for me that my Mam most definitely would have been there for me.
Carly Nicklin
If you would like to write your own blog for Let’s Talk About Loss, please email blog@letstalkaboutloss.org.
To support our work financially, please visit our Donate page. Your kindness and generosity are so appreciated, and help us ensure that no young griever grieves alone!